Reflect

In recent weeks, I have been thinking about how children respond to this feedback on their annual progress. What’s the best way to encourage children to look forward to feedback of all kinds and to see it as a motivating springboard towards some new goals? How can we encourage them to be upbeat about the things they aren’t so great at; to see them as challenges, rather than failings?

There are many children in our society who feel what they perceive to be personal criticism very deeply, particularly those who are more perfectionistic. These are the children who might have gained 9s in everything at GCSE, but lose sleep over the 6 in one subject. They are the children who beat themselves up over a simple error in a test. There are actually three main kinds of perfectionism, which are succinctly explained in a great little video created by NACE (National Association for Able Children in Education) and York St John University. In simple terms, these are: expecting yourself to be perfect, thinking that other people expect you to be perfect, or expecting other people to be perfect. All are damaging.

Research shows that perfectionism is on the rise in young people, and that it can be a serious problem which contributes to a whole body of mental health problems including anxiety, depression, burnout and eating disorders. People high in perfectionism tend to have worse self-esteem, frequently compare themselves to others and are often extremely self-critical. 

Academic anxiety is commonplace among young people, but so too are anxieties around body image and appearance. For perfectionists, who might already be susceptible to the unfavourable opinions of others, such worries are frequently only reinforced by a culture that fosters unhelpful judgements. Whilst social media can be a force for good, when a pursuit of ‘likes’ and comparisons with the ‘perfect’ lives of influencers is merged with a perfectionist’s need for validation or their tendency to be overly self-critical, it is more likely to expose vulnerabilities and impact negatively on their wellbeing.

When we consider this alongside other commonplace practices among teens, such as rating each other’s looks out of 10, or the popularity of ‘reality’ programmes, such as Love Island, which promote ranking others based on an initial visual impression, it’s unsurprising that some of our teens feel like they aren’t living up to their own or others’ unrealistically high standards. 

Motivate

As parents, we should strive to be proactive in building up our children’s resilience and encouraging them to enjoy the bodies they are in. Expressing gratitude for the ways that our bodies serve us can improve body image (Professor Charlotte Markey, 2020). If we encourage children to note down, or simply recognise, the things that they like about their bodies, we can help to counter pervasive messages about fixing and improving ourselves and help them to feel ‘good enough’.

We also need to think hard about what we are modelling. If we gaze in the mirror with a look of horror, disgust or disgruntlement, we might be providing a template for negative self-talk. Comments about our wobbly thighs, wrinkles, or ‘dad bod’ won’t go unheard by small ears and might contribute to similar insecurities in both young children and teens. Keep thoughts like these to yourself and try (hard as it might feel) to consciously notice the bits that you do like. We want our children to be comfortable in their own skin, so we should try not to disparage our own! Over the coming weeks, why not see if you can actively use phrases that are more self-affirming, congratulatory and forgiving, and then see if you start to hear your child using them too?

When you talk about your child’s body, try to focus on its functionality – how strong, healthy or powerful they are – rather than only their appearance. Phrases like, “You looked so athletic when you were swimming today. Those strong muscles were really helping you to move quickly” or, “You’ve got so tall now. That will really help with netball”, will encourage children to value how their body enables them to achieve physical tasks, rather than simply for how they look, and will help to build physical resilience. Looking beyond their bodies, we should also all aim to recognise and acknowledge our children’s other skills and interests, and value their effort, determination, kindness or bravery, for example.

If you do hear your child being overly self-critical about their appearance, it’s important not simply to dismiss their claims or reassure them that they are wrong. The research shows that a more effective tactic is to use calm, exploratory questions, prompting them to think about why they are saying these things and to search for the evidence that supports it; “Tell me more about why you think that?” “Where is the evidence for that?” “Do you think that is always true?” “What would you say to a friend who said that about themselves?” “What might be a different way of thinking about this?”

Nudging them towards self-compassion can help to squash this mean inner bully, (or ‘gremlin’, as I like to think of it). Eventually, young people might be able to work out what helps them to ignore, or push aside, these thoughts as they arise, whether that’s doing a hobby they love, reading a good book, listening to some favourite music, thinking of a compliment that someone gave them, exercising, chatting to a friend or simply enjoying the natural world.

If you are aware that your child has low self-esteem, treat social media with some caution. A 2018 report from the Children’s Commissioner found that 40% of 8-12 year old girls report receiving negative feedback about images they have posted online and that just over half of 8-17 year old girls worry about how attractive they look in pictures. It’s important to establish a clear set of digital values in your home, which are followed by the whole family. Conversations about treating each other kindly, trying not to make comparisons with others, not seeking likes or external validation, and being critical consumers of the information and images we see online, are vital.

Support

Work by NACE has found that teachers can play an ‘instrumental role in creating environments that are less perfectionistic’, and which focus instead on creativity, problem-solving and appropriate levels of challenge.

They advise that perfectionistic thinking can be discouraged in the classroom by avoiding excessive concern over minor mistakes, giving criticism is constructive rather than harsh, eschewing public punishments or rewards and ensuring that expectations are appropriate. These are messages that we can all take into the home environment too.

It’s crucial that young people feel that they matter, and that this is not dependent on the grades that they achieve or the mistakes that they make. PhD student, Marianne Etherson, notes that learning environments can act as focal points which reinforce key messages to all pupils about their self-worth, regardless of what mark they were given in that recent assessment. NACE has produced a free resource pack for teachers on the subject of perfectionism. It is well worth checking out.

In family life, we can all seek to normalise mistakes and encourage our children to set challenging, but achievable, goals. Let’s strive to welcome mistakes in our homes as part of effective learning; an opportunity to try something else, figure things out and overcome challenges. Let’s show our children that we aren’t afraid to fail and share our flaws with them. By valuing effort and promoting compassion towards ourselves and others, we help to protect our children against a wider culture that can foster problematic perfectionism.

This is my final Wednesday Wisdom before the summer break. Enjoy the holiday and I look forward to sharing my musings with you again later in the summer.