Reflect

Take, for example, my youngest’s sixth birthday party a few weeks ago. At the crucial moment, when everyone was gathered round the cake and ready to sing Happy Birthday, we couldn’t get the candles on his cake to stay alight. Three times the wind blew them out, and my child just couldn’t hold it in any longer. He stamped, and shouted, and generally looked like the world was ending. I wilted under the gaze of watching parents, convinced I’d finally been exposed as a parenting imposter.

Here was the surprising thing: not one of his friends batted an eyelid. That was when I realised. These are all classmates of his. They see him for six hours a day. They know he shouts and stamps occasionally. And they like him anyway! To the other children and parents here, he’s just a typical six-year-old.

And that’s the magic of parties. They strip away the school uniforms, reward charts, and rigid schedules. Suddenly, it’s not about phonics or lunch queues—it’s about joy.

The best party experience near us is an indoor trampolining and soft play centre that’s like a 1980s children’s game show from outer space. The birthday boy or girl and their guests disappear through a tunnel on the ground floor while you, the adults, make your way up to the cafe and viewing gallery. Then it’s 90 minutes of trying to catch a glimpse of your child bouncing into view, emerging over the top of a climbing frame, careering down a slide or ricocheting off a padded wall. Eventually they emerge, red-faced, dripping with sweat and starving for pizza.

But getting to that point of pure, sugar-rush enjoyment can be a fraught experience for children and adults alike. It turns out that organising a party, and sending out invitations, carries the same sting of social anxiety you remember from being a child yourself.

Children’s birthday parties require a strict code of silence to avoid falling-outs and upsets: a universally-understood rule that you don’t talk about parties in front of people who might not be invited to them. Paper invitations are out; private WhatsApp groups are in. This is to protect adults’ feelings as well as children’s! Even as an adult, it’s a real gut-punch to find out about a party that your child isn’t invited to. The feeling of not being asked to sit at the cool kids’ table never quite goes away.

Exclusion from parties can cause serious upset and hurt. Parties happen in an in-between space: they often include groups of classmates, but they aren’t moderated by the school. There’s nothing to stop a family inviting everyone in the class apart from just one or two children – and there are too many accounts online of children with special needs or other perceived differences being left out.

There’s also the question of money. The average cost of a children’s party is £279, with some families spending far more. For two children, that’s nearly £4,000 over the course of primary school alone! Inevitably, there’s a feeling that you’re obliged to “keep up” with what other parents offer, and of course your own children want the same thing for their party that they’ve experienced at other people’s. Every child wants at least one party at our local football club even though it’s the most minimalist venue you could imagine: little more than an astroturf pitch and a crate of orange squash. But once you’ve seen someone else’s birthday boy presented with a tiny replica FA Cup, it’s hard not to want the same thing.

Motivate

Children remember how things made them feel even when they don’t remember specific events in detail. So they’ll remember if they had a good time at their party, not specifically what events were on offer or how many people attended. Parties can help to cultivate a sense of belonging, demonstrating to children that they are valued members of their group and worth celebrating. So the quality of the celebration is what counts. Our best birthday party was taking my elder son and 3 of his friends out for a trip to the Natural History Museum, pizza and a run around in the park. He got a whole day tailored to his own favourite things, the boys had proper quality time with each other, and he still had the fun of opening presents. And it didn’t cost the earth.

Research tells us that playing with peers is a vital part of children’s development, associated with better outcomes and mental health. The type of free play that happens when you let children loose at a soft play party supports self-regulation and executive function as children develop. Peer-led play helps with emotional intelligence, problem-solving and self-regulation.

Parties offer opportunities to practise the skills and cues that become part of the repertoire of social confidence later in life: greeting people when they arrive, being gracious during their turn in the spotlight, making appropriate thank-yous for gifts. Preparing for a party gives a chance to think about what others will enjoy as well as yourself.

Especially with younger children, when friendships at school are just forming and still changeable, I found seeing my children play and socialise with their friends offered a window into their daily lives that I’d never really had. Are they social leaders or followers? Do they like to be in the thick of the action or hanging out on the sidelines? Are they confident and sociable? Do they mix with lots of different children or stick to the same one or two? It’s wonderful to see them in their element, laughing and involved with their classmates.

Support

Work closely with your child on who to invite. Be aware of who might feel excluded: if it’s a whole-class party, be sure that really means the whole class. Talk to your child about the importance of being sensitive and kind. Invite people in plenty of time! Children’s weekends get filled up quickly with clubs and fixtures.

Be sensitive to other children’s needs. Some children find the sensory overload of birthday parties difficult to cope with. Luckily, there’s plenty of ways you can accommodate children in a “sensory sensitive” way: think about creating quiet zones to escape the noise, asking the venue if it’s possible to book the party at a quieter time, and be clear with parents what they can expect.

Allergies. Ask parents in plenty of time whether there are any allergies or dietary needs that will affect what food you offer or the catering choices. Find useful tips on allergy-friendly parties here.

Run through the day and the social cues. How do you want your child to greet their friends? What time will they have to stop playing and go to eat, and what will they say when that happens? How will they thank the adult helpers and other children at the end? You know your child – what are the emotional pressure points of the day likely to be?

Manage the other parents. Let people know in advance if they can drop children off or if you want them to stay to help supervise.

Make it sustainable. Parties produce a lot of waste in party bags, paper plates, packaging and wrapping paper. Find great ideas on how to make parties more budget-friendly and sustainable by cooperating with other parents.

Note to our weekly readers:
We would love to hear from you! Whether it’s a reflection sparked by something you’ve read in Wednesday Wisdom, feedback as a parent engaging with Tooled Up Education, or a story about how one of our resources has made a difference, your insights mean a great deal. Your experiences not only help shape future content but also inspire others in our community. If there are specific topics you’d like us to explore in upcoming editions, don’t hesitate to share your thoughts, we are always keen to ensure we’re covering what matters most to you.