Reflect

I spoke to a mum last week who is working from home for a big bank and has four children to keep occupied. Other parents might find the intensity and expense of holiday fun somewhat overwhelming. A day trip to London from where I live will cost in the region of £100 easily for a family of four! Parents of teens have often got the angst that comes with their children exploring new frontiers for the first time; festivals, inter-railing and travelling overseas. As a parent who has had two teens in separate countries this summer, I can tell you my body clock has been tied to nightly notifications all summer on the “find my” app on my phone. I couldn’t rest until I knew they were tucked up in the correct location each night.

I appreciate that there are plenty of considerations and perhaps discussions to be had about privacy and to what extent parents should be tracking older teens but quite frankly if I didn’t use that tool (with their consent of course), I would be calling and texting excessively. I just wouldn’t be able to help myself!

A further feature of August are high-stakes exam results. Now, readers, you may remember I had to support my teens through 40+ exams this May and June. Waiting for those results is not for the faint-hearted. On the results’ day, it is like ripping off a plaster and you do have to be ready for anything. I feel relieved to have both GCSEs and A Levels (in one year) behind us as a family and more equipped to support my youngest son as he enters sixth form. Fresh from the experience, I have some advice for parents whose children are entering GCSE year. This is entirely personal advice…based on my own experience.

Encourage your teen to familiarise themselves with the subject exam format early on. How many papers are there per subject? Which subjects have coursework attached? Find out at some point what the grade boundaries were for summer 2025. Some shifted substantially. Which board are they taking? Keep a note of this before you forget!

Be honest about aspirations, abilities and help them set realistic goals. Pay attention to school exams and mocks. It is incredibly important that they work hard for mocks as exams can expose gaps in knowledge and knots on learning.

Parents, plan ahead. Get that ‘work from home’ request or leave request in early. Can you ensure that you work diary is clear to support them during at least some of those GCSE weeks? Can you coordinate with another family member to ensure someone will be at home on those mornings to ensure all goes well? There were several times that my son slept through his alarm clock, and I happened to be at home to quickly drive him to school. Another morning, ahead of a 9am exam, the school bus was delayed, I was absent and had to beg a friend to drive him. Very nervous students may not want to eat anything ahead of the exam so sometimes by being there we can ensure they eat a little something and which can make all the difference.

Another piece of advice is for those of you who are allergy parents. Hayfever can play a significant role in impacting exam performance but by working on those conditions earlier in the year (Jan-March) with appropriate medications and interventions, the risk can be reduced. Professor Adam Fox OBE is the global expert on this topic. Tooled Up parents can watch several of his webinars on our platform that are packed full of invaluable tips and advice for allergy parents.

My last piece of advice for GCSE parents is to not underestimate the power of practice. I would say my son’s GCSE success was in large part due to relentless completion of past papers and in-depth study or mark schemes. He found the website Save My Exams extremely useful, particularly in the latter part of the year. If your teen is studying a particular topic in school, what might an exam question about that look like? What is the examiner looking for exactly?

For those of you with teens entering sixth form for the first time (post-GCSE), have a look at available courses, universities and colleges now. They might get some early inspiration and that can be a motivating for the year ahead. Get them thinking about creating a little CV that they can build on and work on over the year. Can they remember all the great things they have done over the summer? Encourage them to keep a note of anything ‘super-curricular’ they have done that they could mention in that future personal statement. This might include courses they have completed, podcasts they have listened to or bouts of work experience. Planning and organisation are key to success.

Motivate

The challenge here is ensuring children are not aware of how ‘make or break’ this exam feels to you as the parent. I do understand what it feels like to have all your eggs in one basket, hoping that your child gains a place in that school you have had your eye on for months, maybe even years! However, right from the get-go, if a child feels that pressure that they have to get into a certain school, we might just be setting them up to fail.

Minimising stress and pressure at this age is key. This means making sure kind relatives don’t mention the target school to your child, bang on about the exam or worry children unnecessarily. This includes siblings, who may already be in that school and who might be unhelpfully warning a child that they have to get in. As you can see there is a little bit of legwork to be done that is foundational to children’s wellbeing and mental health. There is Plan A but there is also a wonderful Plan B and C. That needs to be talked through early on. Use my little planning tool to aid that conversation with your child.

Now, of course children need to revise and prepare for this rather unique exam, but how? Firstly, the chances are that their teachers are preparing them brilliantly, so trust in that process and listen to what the teachers say about your child’s progress and chances. Secondly, avoid over-tutoring children for the 11+ and instead lean into family activities that directly impact on their verbal reasoning and maths skills. What does this mean? It means avoiding hot-housing children with 6am Maths papers before the school day (yes, this happens!). It means not insisting a tearful child does better if they are only getting 50%. If learning feels upsetting for children, it is demotivating. If my scores make my parent angry or irritated, I might just stop making any effort whatsoever. Instead, can you make the learning fun? Can you work on building their vocabulary in fun ways? Can you play word games at home, in the car? Can you model a love of coming up with stories, perhaps by using activities like Story Cubes? Can you praise them for their great ideas? Can you help them find connections between words and real-life experiences that they have had? Can you ensure they are smiling and laughing alongside learning? Can you teach them a little about time management using a sand-timer? Can you build up their number confidence through everyday activities like shopping? Can you read to them and dwell on the theme of the story, the way the characters might be feeling, the language used in the story?

My last tip, but it could be my first, is to sit down and do an 11+ paper yourself. If adults do this exam, they will quickly gain an insight into exactly what is required and, as you know your child best, you will recognise aspects of the paper that your child will find trickier. You will also develop more empathy regarding how your child might experience doing the exam, which is always helpful.

Finally, I will never forget the mum who rang me two weeks before the 11+ exam in despair that her child had ‘checked out’ and was refusing to do any more revision papers. This had all the hallmarks of anxiety due to too much pressure. I advised the mum to change course and to give her daughter as much access to joy as possible. It felt counter-intuitive of course to ignore the exam and to focus on fun, but the mum couldn’t believe the difference in her child (who went on to sail through the exam!). As the mum noted, it was a lesson in the critical importance of balance.

Support

Parents at this stage tend to fall into two camps. Those who can’t wait for their teens to fly the nest and have already helped them pack, and those who are dreading the transition or even grieving over it. Empty nest syndrome is real and not to be underestimated! The transition is substantial emotionally, practically and even financially for many families. All at once, it seems a young person will have to cope with a huge move (when some don’t even know where they will be living yet), the social unknowns (who might they be living near or with) and the course requirements which can be onerous in some cases (in our house the reading list has already arrived…). Emotionally, stepping away from the family home can be tough for many. Basically, we are all going through a big change at the same time. My advice is to get organised. Use my home-made packing list for university students and my List of 50 Tasks our young people need to action before the new term starts. I came up with this so I didn’t have to nag my son everyday…and hopefully in this way, he can tick those items off the list more easily.

Finally, for those of you with teens who have existing mental health conditions and who require learning support at university, I understand how worrying it can feel. A lot of planning and organisation is required to ensure a child’s needs will be met in the new setting. Other parents of children with similar conditions can be particularly helpful. Facebook has some fantastic parent groups for each university and there is plenty of advice and signposting on these informal groups. Seek them out. My best pieces of advice: First, encourage your young person to advocate for themselves (AI can help produce social scripts for things like doctor’s appointments, what to say to the university when raising particular issues). Secondly, help them seek out like-minded individuals and groups within the new setting. This can be done in advance of term starting. Most clubs and societies have their own social media accounts and are incredibly welcoming. Next, if they feel anxious about leaving, take each term at a time. Encourage them to set little goals perhaps even weekly and help them evaluate progress. Help them make a list of key contacts that are there to support them during this first term. Finally, support them to feel at home in their new room. Place-identity is a real phenomenon! The more homely that room feels, the better! Can you plan which bits and pieces they could take with them that could ease the transition? Familiarity reduces anxiety and eases some of the impact of transition.