Reflect

As the trees slowly morph into the colours my friend Sally used to wear to match her famous copper-coloured hair, I smile and think of our extraordinary friendship and the impossibility of that lost connection. I think about the role friendship plays not just in our mental health, but in our very joy of being on this earth. That sense of joy, for me, can trump any kind of everyday stress or existential worry.

Last Saturday night, I spent the evening with local friends celebrating a milestone birthday. Amid the belly-rolling laughter, the shocking displays of dancing, the singing on the walk home whilst carrying deflated balloons and arm-linking, I felt a sense of joy; the kind of joy that puts any busy week in perspective, can turn any worry into a ‘whatever’ and can remind us that life really is worth living. Friendship can make it feel so. Friendship makes us feel seen and being seen can help us feel like we matter. When we feel we matter, we feel loved and when we feel loved, we can take on the world. Investing in friendship is surely a critical part of investing in our mental health?

One positive action this World Mental Health Day might be: setting aside 10 mins to contact someone who makes you feel good about yourself every time you are together. With this person, ‘save the date’ to do something fun together. For more distant friends, reach out and ‘lean in’, perhaps send a little voice-note to tell them you miss them and are thinking of them.

Friendship matters to all of us and if you have ever experienced friendship loss, you will know the acute pain that can accompany it. For adults, friendship loss can be a tough one to come to terms with. For children, it can feel particularly painful. It can be very difficult to explain to a child that people can just decide one day that they don’t want to be your friend and bluntly move on. It can be hard to help children understand the dynamics of friendship cliques and how they operate.

There is an enormous amount of nuance attached to friendship dynamics that often requires a particular type of resilience borne from navigating social discomfort from time to time, fallings in and out as well as experiencing intermittent bouts of popularity! It is a rollercoaster for most children. Acknowledging that friendships can have ‘ups and downs’ is one way of developing children’s resilience, and gently validating their feelings when things go awry can be helpful. The trouble is, as parents, witnessing the impact of relational aggression or unexpected rejection can make us soar to new heights of rage and hurt! Your child’s experience might even remind you of similar school-day experiences which are painful for you to ponder.

My advice, which stems from research on friendship is to take a ’meta-moment’; a deep breath as your child or teen talks about friendship problems. Listen with care and curiosity and give them time to process their feelings. Sleep on it. Promise your child you are there for them but monitor how things are going. Potentially coach them to consider different options that they have moving forward.

Teachers are there to support our children, but they also can’t catch every single sly remark or disgusted frown made towards our children. They also can’t make children like each other more, despite their best efforts.

What can we do as parents to support children’s friendships? Talk about friendships in general terms. What does friendship feel like? How do we know someone is a good friend? How do we invest in friendships as a family? When difficulties arise, empower them to advocate for themselves with social scripts that make it clear how they feel or perhaps why they don’t like being treated in that way. We can invite our children to consider the motivation behind others’ behaviour and to address it in ways that are clear, polite and empowering.

Let’s help our children recognise that sometimes sitting or playing alone is better than being with people who are being horrible to them. That can feel difficult, but it’s also not the end of the world, if it happens from time to time. Remind your child that friendships can blossom in multiple contexts in and beyond school, on and offline (for all those gamers out there!) and they can develop throughout different life stages. In other words, there is hope.

Motivate

It also made me think about the quality of support teachers receive and if parents understand the nature of their role and how important it is. Every single teacher I have ever met wants the best for children and strives to help them succeed, not only academically, but emotionally and socially. Teaching, however, is an incredibly complex, demanding, and emotionally intensive profession. Research consistently shows that teaching involves high levels of emotional labour; teachers often absorb the emotions of their students, provide constant encouragement and maintain composure under immense pressure.

Teachers plan and differentiate every lesson, monitor and evaluate every child’s progress whilst being accountable to multiple stakeholders. They manage parental expectations, administrative tasks and policy changes, all while maintaining positivity and presence in the classroom. As Day and Gu argue, teachers’ commitment is deeply moral and emotional, rooted in their identity and purpose. They keep smiling, keep striving, and keep showing up, because they genuinely want to make a difference in our children’s lives.

Such dedication can come at a cost. Studies from the Education Support Partnership highlight that over three-quarters of teachers experience symptoms of stress, with workload and emotional demands being key contributing factors. The OECD’s 2018 Teaching and Learning International Survey (TALIS) similarly found that teacher stress levels are among the highest of any profession. Teachers are typically self-effacing, altruistic and deeply conscientious, qualities that can mean they might struggle to reach out for help, but it may also mean they are likely to feel incredibly grateful and highly motivated by positive feedback received from parents, carers, pupils and colleagues!

So perhaps, on this day, consider: Who is making your child want to go to school every day? Whose class do they look forward to? Who makes them feel like they’re progressing, no matter how small the steps? Looking back, who transformed your child’s view of themselves or made a tangible difference to your child’s future?

We can each take a small action and reach out to a teacher or member of school staff. Write a note of appreciation or take a moment to express gratitude. Yes, it’s a teacher’s job to care for our children, but recognition nourishes the soul and reminds teachers that what they do matters, not just to the children they teach, but to whole families and communities.

Support

As I write this, there is likely one or more event(s), in this country or elsewhere in the world, that might make you fear for your child’s future or for what they might encounter in their own neighbourhood or community. Unkindness, discrimination and prejudice feel closer to home than ever before. Parental mental health can undoubtedly be affected by fear for the future, our anxieties fuelled by news media, worries about our children’s safety and one’s own experiences of mistreatment. It is completely understandable that parents worry about managing their own fears and worries whilst supporting their children. Children and young people can be exposed to an unprecedented volume of graphic media content that means we can no longer ‘keep the news from them’, nor hide our own emotional responses as easily, particularly when news hits home in ways that feel deeply personal.

If your mental health is being affected by global events, how can we find ways to protect children’s childhoods and their mental health? What is the best way to talk to children about upsetting events? It is a tough question and one that I have discussed in conversation with experts in recent times. I took comfort from their suggestions that we put our own oxygen masks on first and seek support through friends or partners. They also suggested that we do gently tell children the truth about what is happening in the world but in a manner appropriate to their age, stage of development and scope of understanding. They suggested that whilst lying or omitting key information might feel protective, it can be unhelpful in the long run. Talk openly about how you manage any difficult feelings that you have and how they might be able to do the same. Consider the values you wish to promote and always share honest, reliable information, remembering that very young children require minimal detail. Strive for balance when talking about global events, and focus conversations on emotions, rather than on actions or on assigning blame. In this way, we ensure our children won’t carry blame into school playgrounds or into digital discussions in ways that can cause further upset.

If your child or a pupil in your school has been directly affected by wars, disasters and other catastrophic events, it might feel encouraging to know that there are entire communities of crisis psychologists dedicated to supporting children who have lived through the unimaginable. There are therapeutic services available to families and a raft of individual practitioners who can support and help. For children and young people affected by traumatic grief, national organisations such as Winston’s Wish and Child Bereavement UK can also provide support.

One of my favourite tips for parents and educators comes from a conversation with psychiatrist, Professor Dennis Ougrin who says that if they ever feel frightened, we can invite children to create their own safe place, somewhere they can go to mentally whenever they feel upset, isolated or unsafe. It could be a place from the past or an imaginary place in the future where they feel safe. Encourage them to share their safe place in great detail. They can draw it, build it out of Lego or other materials, or create it in whatever way feels best to them Focus on all of their senses. What can they see, hear, touch, smell or taste there?

Perspective can also be an extremely helpful and powerful tool. It is important to acknowledge that sometimes the news can be very distressing, particularly when atrocities occur, for example. However, it is also vital to remind children and young people that most human beings are fundamentally good and try to share examples of good acts that are occurring right now around the world or even in our own communities. Be hopeful. Out of desperate situations, we often see amazing stories of kindness, resilience and dedication.