Reflect

The digital world is saturated with confusing and contradictory messages about what it means to be "likeable," "desirable" or "good". Teen girls in particular are navigating an emotionally complex, often contradictory social terrain, frequently in full view of an online audience and in the context of social media platform design that has been termed a ‘parasitic ecosystem’ for teenagers by Dr Elly Hanson of Fully Human.

I recently read some insightful new qualitative research from UCL PhD student Chiara Fehr, which explores the TikTok experiences of a group of older teen girls, all of whom describe a highly sexualised space - one which they both eloquently critiqued and carefully navigated. The girls reflected on how their feeds are awash with advertising for clothes tailored to the male gaze and women producing self-sexualising content (often for financial gain), referenced the overt ‘trendification’ and categorisation of bodies, and discussed the frequency of predatory behaviour and cyberflashing.

These teens also raised concerns about the #GRWM (get ready with me) trend. Fuelled by influencer hype, they described how worryingly young girls (some only four to six years old) frequently stream elaborate skincare and make up demonstrations, often featuring expensive, on trend products. In many cases, parents hover in the background, raising urgent questions about influence, agency and adult oversight in digital spaces. They worried about the influence of misogynist and manosphere content on their male peers, and how it might mark their interactions with boys. They noted, in line with recent research, that many of the boys in their schools are gravitating to more extreme right wing views on a wide variety of social issues.

Gender norms (which for girls are often behavioural ‘should nots’) can provide an emotional safety net during the turbulent teen years, but when held rigidly, these too can become harmful and constrictive. Appearance-based interactions on social media are rife amongst teen girls, and research has shown that they “provide an everyday environment in which appearance is focused upon, interpreted and then internalised as important”. In the most recent edition of a huge national survey (the HBSC report for England), only 50% of 15 year old girls reported their body to be the ‘right size’.

Girls are disproportionately affected by image-based abuse, harassment and coercion. Patterns of behaviour in relationships often start early and continue into adulthood - in fact, the peak age for domestic violence is actually 16-24 years. In romantic and sexual contexts, there is a risk that girls internalise the belief that they should simply go along with what’s expected, rather than actively consider what they want. Some girls report watching some of the boys around them wrestle with identity and ideology, and worry about the pull of online spaces and rhetoric that promote misogyny or rigid gender roles.

It would be prudent for us to consider the kinds of messages about relationships, consent, power, their bodies, their appearance, their likability, their very identities that girls are absorbing daily, not only from social media, but from peers, school and family. Given all that has been outlined above, is it any wonder that the emotional load might feel immense?

It’s striking that young people themselves (both girls and boys) are clearly looking for guidance on how to navigate our increasingly complex world as they grow. Fascinating new research shows that growing numbers are turning to AI chatbots as lifelike, quasi-human confidantes, even friends, for questions about relationships, mental health and identity. A recent study even found that children were more likely to disclose personal feelings to a friendly-looking robot than to a real life adult. It all sounds very sci-fi, but perhaps it’s not that surprising. At their current best, chatbots feel human, engaging, appealing and trustworthy. They can provide almost instantaneous suggestions, a sense of non-judgement, and perhaps even comfort. But these digital interactions can falter - especially when they fail to respond appropriately to a young person’s unique emotional needs, or miss key signals of vulnerability.

So how do we, as parents and educators, ensure the guidance that young people need comes not just from digital voices, but from the real-life adults who know and care for them? In this week’s Wednesday Wisdom, we’re reflecting on what truly meaningful RSHE (relationships, sex and health education) can look like for girls, how us adults can create the kind of relational safety, openness and trust that lasts long after formal lessons end, and the support that Tooled Up can provide.

Motivate

Many of us didn’t grow up with robust conversations about relationships, consent, power or gendered pressures, let alone how to respond when things go wrong. In the UK, school RSHE provision has evolved significantly in recent years. However, for both parents and educators, it can still feel difficult to know what exactly we should be teaching our children. Would you feel confident talking about enthusiastic consent to a 13 year old? What did you learn growing up? And what did you wish you had? Think of a teenage girl you know. What kind of messages is she seeing? Who is helping her make sense of them? What does she want to know? And how do we ensure she is equipped not just with facts, but with confidence, language and agency?

Within the UK, it is a statutory requirement to teach relationships education at primary school and relationships and sex education at secondary school. At Key Stages 3 and 4, it aims to give young people the information they need to help them develop healthy, nurturing relationships of all kinds, not just intimate relationships. It should enable them to know what a healthy relationship looks like and what makes a good friend, a good colleague and a successful marriage or other type of committed relationship, including same-sex relationships, and should teach what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour. It should also cover contraception, developing intimate relationships and resisting pressure to have sex (as well as not applying pressure). Effective, thoughtful and well put together RSHE teaching can help to create a culture where all young people are free to relate with empathy, honesty and respect.

Dr Elly Hanson recently delivered an inspiring conference talk for us on this topic, highlighting the importance of a whole school approach, where RSHE is valued and well-resourced. She noted that pupil and staff wellbeing and opinions can be sought (and acted upon) regularly through focus groups and surveys. Negative behaviours should be stigmatised in order to remove social kudos, positive norms about social interactions and relationships should be highlighted consistently across the whole curriculum, and a clear system of sanctions and ready responses should be in place to handle low level issues. There should be safe and accessible routes for disclosure, and staff should maintain curiosity and aim to pick up and ask about potential issues. Importantly, Dr Hanson notes that teachers need time and support to build trusted relationships with students.

At its best, RSHE content should be comprehensive and ideally delivered by educators who have had some additional training. Important topics should include a focus on fundamental core values and positive identity building, the principles of healthy relationships and sexual experiences, how to be a positive bystander, digital ethics and negotiating gender norms.

Philosophy can be a very powerful pedagogical tool when approaching some of these big, challenging issues (both at school and at home). Curious, non-judgemental discussion which explores the conceptual, contestable, connected and compelling issues that young people have shown an interest in, can help to build cognitive flexibility and empathy, and creates space for nuanced, emotionally safe discussions. If, as a school, you are interested in building this kind of practice, we recommend learning more about the P4C programme from Sapere (soon to be renamed ‘Thoughtful’) - the Society for Philosophical Enquiry.

Support

At Tooled Up, we know that supporting girls through adolescence requires more than just good intentions. It calls for evidence-based tools, ongoing conversations, and trusted guidance that evolves alongside them. Over the last five or so years, we’ve built an ever-evolving platform of practical, thoughtful and evidence-based resources that help parents and educators approach tricky topics with confidence. Our RSHE content covers many vital issues both online and off, including self-identity, growing and changing bodies, emotional literacy, managing challenges, personal boundaries, family relationships, friendships and kindness, bullying and hurtful behaviour, puberty, sexual health, resilience, decision-making, core values, social influences and peer pressure. Phew!

In line with Dr Hanson’s suggested best practice for RSHE, at Tooled Up, we also offer pupil wellbeing surveys to our subscriber schools - personalised surveys which are specifically designed to capture pupil voice and thoughts towards school, teachers, classes, educational goals and friendships - all important facets of pupil wellbeing. Following analysis, we’ll recommend specific, tailored Tooled Up interventions. For example, if Year 5 pupils are having friendship challenges in the class, you could try our classroom friendship charter. Perhaps Year 8 pupils are struggling with effective time management. Have they tried using one of our many planners? We also offer staff wellbeing surveys too! If you are interested in having a pupil and/or staff wellbeing survey conducted in your school, please get in touch with us.

In more general terms, both at home and school, it will benefit girls (and boys) greatly if we can strive to develop critical digital literacy. Yes, it’s really challenging when platform design and use evolves so quickly, and when the experiences of our daughters are vastly different to our own. But let’s try to go beyond online safety. Of course, it’s important to identify fake news and check facts. But it’s also vital to talk about why platforms want our data and help young people recognise and critique the profit model behind social media. Teach them to value data privacy, understand online manipulation, consider digital ethics and get to grips with algorithmic design.

We can try to cultivate emotional literacy from an early age. Give all children the words they need to explore feelings. When talking about relationships, we can move beyond basic consent to explore mutuality, curiosity and connection. When addressing harmful views, we can use calm one-to-one conversations, call young people ‘in’, rather than ‘out’, and encourage reflection rather than resistance.

Let’s challenge limiting gender norms early and often. Rigidly observed ideas about what children can do based on societal expectations of gender norms can fuel shame, emotional repression and harmful behaviours. We can consciously model and celebrate emotional openness, care and respectful curiosity, and help our young people learn that healthy relationships are built on equality, not power.

We can reduce ‘body talk’ at home and value body gratitude and functionality over appearance. To stem the flow and drive towards external perfectionism, let’s embrace the concept of ‘good enough’ and help our children see themselves as multi-dimensional, not just a profile that someone can comment on. As adults we can start leaning into accounts and movements that challenge societal ideals of beauty in favour of a broader acceptance and appreciation of all body types, shapes, sizes and colours. The Dove Self-Esteem Project, and Dr Kat Schneider’s extremely brilliant Body Confident Sport programme come highly recommended, as do social media accounts promoting body positive content include @bodyposipanda, @meganjaynecrabbe, @omgkenzieee and @beauty_redefined.

We can promote strong, core values. We know that when people prioritise compassionate core values, they tend to be happier, more energised and more comfortable. We also know that the vast majority of teens report prioritising these kinds of values over self-interest values (power, influence, wealth). Helping young people to identify their core values can be a powerful antidote to corporate, cultural or social influences that might pull them away from them.

Girls are watching, listening and learning - from peers, from algorithms, from us. The discussions we have with them, and the values we model, matter deeply. What conversation could you ignite today?