Reflect

I had just opened an email from my son’s school warning parents about ‘sideline behaviour’ at rugby matches when I turned on the Ryder Cup 2025 at Bethpage Black in New York to see European players getting pelted with personal insults and having to endure noisy breaches of golf’s normal etiquette of polite pauses during play.

Fuelled with the confidence that being on ‘home soil’ gives (and perhaps a lot of beer), many home fans felt free to abuse the visiting team, hurling insults not just about golf, but about players’ weight, love lives and family members. It reminded me of questions we get commonly asked by teachers: Where are the boundaries? How can we teach young people about the difference between banter and bullying? When does rough play turn into bullying behaviour? How can we accommodate competitive spirits in school whilst teaching young people about being a ‘good loser’ and resilience to losing? There has always been a tension in educators’ and parents’ hearts between relishing the fact our children want to win for the team, do their best and excel at sport whilst managing to value good character and sportsmanship.

Watching these golfers being taunted and teased (yes, even if they are multi-millionaires and pro-sportspeople) whilst trying to perform for their countries, made me feel horribly uncomfortable. It may have made for ‘good television’, but I am far too empathetic (and Northern Irish) not to have felt upset for Rory McIlroy. I felt the taunts as if I was his own mother. I wondered why the spectators wouldn’t just keep quiet and be respectful! It was painful to see him walk through a tunnel of jaunts and finger-wagging jibes as he made his way from one hole to another. I wondered what he said to himself to get through the array of big emotions he was feeling.

It made my heart sing watching how the European team stuck together against a hostile crowd. They clearly became more cohesive in the face of constant boos. They sought physical reassurance from one another by fist-pumping after good shots; that physical connection both relaxed and empowered them. They performed brilliantly to quieten the provocation. Performance under extreme pressure was made possible by strong leadership, believing in a common goal, an awareness of each other’s strengths and weaknesses as well as a personal ability to talk to oneself in a way that was self-sustaining and encouraging. They refused to lean into the negative. It was a public lesson in personal and professional resilience.

Motivate

Last Friday, we left our eldest child in an unknown environment a couple of hours away from home to live and study for a period of three years. Parents all over the country have been through similar transition weeks. As we helped our son settle in, we all felt a bit wobbly. There was a lot within our control but also a lot that wasn’t. We had zero choice over which bedroom or flatmate he would be twinned with, nor which personal tutor would be selected to support him.

We had to hope for the best; that the skillset we had given him as parents would serve him well during this enormous period of change and recalibration. To achieve a state of feeling ‘brave’, our children, like all of us, need to move through vulnerability and that can be a tough watch. After tearful parental drop offs, seeing solo teens make their way towards the Students’ Union in the hope of finding someone to connect with was encouraging and heart-wrenching. This was truly what ‘flying the nest’ means; going into the world armed with enough self-knowledge and self-esteem to be able to seek out the social connection that we need to thrive and survive.

As we watch our children attempt to ‘fit in’, in any strange environment, there are small things we can do to help to ease our own sense of helplessness. Firstly, we want to avoid pressuring them by constantly asking if they have made friends yet. We can’t tell them exactly where to find friends. Nor can we be prescriptive about who these friends might be. We can only hope that they simply put themselves ‘out there’ and test the social waters. Their hobbies should hopefully guide them towards others with shared values and interests. By ensuring my son packed items that invite social activity (board games, a frisbee and a pack of cards) and which aren’t dependent on deep friendship, I knew that socialisation might feel easier. This idea is just as applicable for those of you worried about a child in primary school entering the playground and wanting to make friends. Can they arrive with an idea for a fun game or an accessory that ignites social togetherness? Can they invite others into play, rather than simply wait to be included? Can we give our children social scripts that can work in any situation where they don’t know anyone?

Being friendly is a positive starting point for friendship, but shared experiences really allow it to take root. The Ryder Cup and the glorious Women’s Rugby World Cup have reminded me that team sport or activity is one of the greatest mechanisms for bonding opportunities as the goals are unambiguous (to improve, have fun and to win) and there are weekly chances to face challenges together, which drives ‘mattering’ (feeling valued, heard and seen). Being part of something bigger than ourselves, that feels purposeful, can be a big driving force towards wellbeing. Membership can extend to activities beyond sport; your young person might enjoy choir, church or even communal activities linked to their hobbies.

For some children and young people simply ‘getting to the door’ of an activity unaccompanied in a new place or environment is a big achievement. It takes guts to knock on a flat mate’s door and say hello. It takes guts to ask if anyone wants to play a game, as rejection is always a risk. But these are risks worth taking. How can we support them from afar if and when they do step out of their comfort zone?

As parents, we can help nurture their resilience by noticing and ‘catching it’. Tell them what you have noticed and ask them to explain it. “I know you were nervous at the start of last week or last term, but you seem a bit more settled now, what has worked? How have you managed that?” “I know you were a bit nervous about reaching out and saying hello to other students, but you seem to have done that, how has that gone for you?” Reflection breeds resilience and in the re-telling, they are gently encouraged to consider the coping skills they have exercised and evaluate how successful they have been in retrospect. Making friends and 'fitting in’ is a process that requires soft skills, patience and being kind to oneself.

Support

Last week I hosted a webinar with two psychiatrists on the rather scary theme of self-harm and suicidal ideation. However, amid the graphs and charts, the clinical nomenclature and discussions about psychological outcomes, two slides stood out for me as having general applicability in our parenting. They addressed the importance of validating young people’s feelings and talked about the characteristics of an ‘invalidating environment', where our children might experience their feelings and emotions being dismissed or minimised. These two consultants said that by taking steps to validate our children’s feelings, rather than looking to solve all their problems in one go with ‘fixes’, we can bolster their internal coping skills and improve their mental health. By simply listening in the ‘right’ way’, we can do the very best for them in tough moments. It was very encouraging. So how might we go about it?

Firstly, it is an acquired skill to be able to listen actively. We may have to set aside time, as well as our assumptions about why someone is feeling the way they do. We have to listen not just to the words they are saying, but to their body language. We have to show we are listening in the moment by reflecting the language back and seeking clarification. Have we truly understood? Rather than rushing to quick-fire solutions, we should offer thinking time and even pauses for thoughtful reflection.

In truth, we may not be able to always do this as easily whilst on the phone to a panicked teen or mopping up a few tears over FaceTime, but know that by validating how they feel, it is a rich step towards them feeling psychologically supported. Validation improves the relationship between parent and child as it allows us to be non-judgemental in a way that cultivates closeness and connection. Validation communicates to our young person that their feelings, thoughts and actions make sense and are understandable to us. It helps our children manage their emotions and can build self-confidence.

It is always good to have a few sentence starters up our sleeves when our children start seeking support from us: “I can see that you are upset and I am here to listen”, “I can see you are sad and I get why”, “I can see that you are having a tough time, but I am here for you”. Few people in the world can be counted upon to serve this role in our children’s lives and make no mistake about it, it is a privileged position to have a young person ‘open up’ to us. By treading carefully and listening without judgement, we provide a safe space for resilience to sprout shoots.

Resilience, in sport and in life, is not forged in isolation but in connection. The relationship between parent and child is a powerful life force and provides a foundation for all relationships. Other social connections also play a significant role in our children’s ability to be resilient and cope with life’s ups and downs.

September has always been a month of change and ‘settling in’. As we enter the month of October, whether in the corridors of a new school or university, in a playground or on a sports’ team, our children are gladiators in their own arenas. The noise will come, the critics, the doubts, the setbacks, but thriving isn’t about silencing the crowd. It’s about stepping into the ring with courage, leaning on those beside us and finding strength in the struggle.