Reflect

Given that one of my jobs on Friday was to write a school assembly on recycling and the circular economy (to coincide with National Recycling Week in the UK), the question felt timely and also slightly uncomfortable. I couldn’t give a simple yes or no. The reality is that some clothes are sold, some are reused, but many will end up in landfill or shipped abroad. It was a reminder both that perhaps as a family we aren’t living as mindfully as we might and that children’s questions don’t always come with straightforward answers. They often have a knack for asking the things we either don’t know, don’t expect, haven’t quite thought through or perhaps would rather avoid confronting or even thinking about in the first place.

Our quick exchange about the charity bin reminded me that great questions don’t always need neat answers. Sometimes, the best thing we can do as parents and educators is not rush to provide a snappy response, but, instead, think about it together and see where the question takes us.

When children ask us something, they aren’t only seeking information, they are also working out whether we will stop, actively listen and take their wonderings seriously. Even if their questions feel awkward, inconvenient, perhaps unanswerable, being willing to think about ideas collaboratively shows that their voice matters and can impact positively on their confidence and curiosity. Often, the value isn’t really in the answer, it is in the process of exploring together.

Understandably, we often want to guard our children from the discomfort of uncertainty in life and in learning. We want them to ‘get the answer’. We might rush them to tell us what they think and we praise speed over careful thought. But there is merit in living with things that are beyond our control or comprehension. If we can model intellectual humility and admit that we don’t always know the answer, we teach children that learning often involves grappling with uncertainty.

One top tip from philosopher Peter Worley, co-founder of The Philosophy Foundation, is that when a young person asks a great question, before answering (or asking someone else to answer), ask them why they asked it in the first place. The skill of working out what is most relevant and salient in a particular point or argument is difficult for young people to develop and this strategy can help them to reflect on their thinking (sometimes known in the educational world as metacognition).

Motivate

It’s stating the obvious to note that the world is an undeniably complex place. In only the last couple of weeks, many young people have been exposed to numerous difficult, graphic, political and potentially disturbing global events online and in the news. At times like these, it’s tempting to jump in with our own explanations, but often the most powerful thing we can do is ask thoughtful questions. Great questions can nudge children and young people to pause, reflect and think about complex issues in a deeper and more considered way. Importantly, great questions don’t always need to be complicated, but they do need to be intentional.

Firstly, we should try to ask questions with an open mindset. Make sure that whenever we ask a question, we listen properly to the response. Giving children our full attention, not just waiting for our turn to speak, signals that their ideas matter. Notice their reasoning, the words they choose and the feelings behind their answers. As a general point, thinking about our own conversational behaviours can be beneficial. Are we quick to jump in? Do we give them time for their thinking to unfold?

Open up short answers. If a question is greeted with a brief yes/no answer, the conversation doesn’t have to simply end there. We can try nudging it with further prompts like: “Can you say why?”, “What did you mean by that?”, “Can you say more about that?”, “Why do you think they are different?”

Let’s avoid suggesting our own ideas too quickly. We can try to resist paraphrasing or putting words in our children’s mouths. Allow them to consider and articulate their own ideas and perspectives, not just ours. We don’t need to fill every second with talk. Children need some time to think, so keeping quiet for 10 seconds after asking any question is a useful, practical strategy, one which models that thoughtful reflection is valued. At home and in school, it can help to notice when we’re dominating the conversation with our own views. Sometimes the best way to support children is to take a step back and let them lead the discussion, showing that their ideas matter even when the topic feels challenging.

In the classroom, we know from a huge body of research that effective questioning is key in boosting academic success. A recent journal from the Tony Little Centre for Innovation and Research in Learning at Eton College is packed with evidence-based tips and strategies for educators, but many of them are equally applicable to the home environment.

Great questions go beyond simple recall or fact, and instead promote critical analysis and evaluation. Questions that require comparison, justification, inference or evaluation are more likely to encourage extended, creative and thoughtful responses, and better prepare young people for complex problem-solving in a world increasingly shaped by AI and uncertainty. Playing devil’s advocate, or sometimes asking young people to argue a position they don’t personally agree with, can be an effective way to develop perspective-taking and cognitive flexibility, skills that are vital in our age of information overload.

Great questions also give young people the time and tools to develop fuller answers. Allowing adequate time for them to answer and providing interesting follow-up prompts support structured, developed, reflective thinking and boost confidence. Within the classroom, effective questioning is also deliberately inclusive, ensuring that all students, not just the most vocal, are invited into dialogue.

Great questions can facilitate the kind of critical and creative thinking that is precise, nuanced and subtle. Emma Leeson, Training and Resources Lead at Thoughtful (the UK’s national charity for philosophical enquiry and education), uses the analogy of sharpening a pencil. We can draw or jot down lots of different ideas, but when we sharpen a pencil, it becomes more precise. Great questions and dialogue involve considering ideas from different perspectives. Our original thinking may be confirmed or it may change.

Really, we can ask questions about anything. Sometimes they’re about things that feel light or abstract. Does a doodle count as art? Pineapple on pizza? If you could swap lives with a celebrity for the day, who would it be? But sometimes the questions we ask our children will bring us face to face with views we don’t agree with or that make us uncomfortable. Some questions are contestable and open to disagreement. These might touch on world events, misogyny, drugs, drinking or any number of social issues that young people are exposed to. Here, questioning becomes not just a tool for learning but also for dialogue. The way we respond in these moments matters. We can choose to shut down, argue or dismiss, or we can use questions to open a path toward reflection, values and perspective-taking.

In these cases, a key piece of advice backed up by many experts we’ve worked with is to call young people ‘in’ rather than ‘out’. Give them the space to share their perspectives and process what they’ve seen or heard. Great questions can move them towards considering their viewpoint more thoughtfully, encouraging them to slow their instinctive reactions, weigh up more considered views and practise independent thought, rather than feeling they must automatically “take a side”. Reminding young people to always return to their core values will help guide them to a way of thinking that feels authentic to them.

In a world of algorithms and echo chambers, we can also ask questions that help children think about how information reaches them: “How do you know if the material you see is balanced?”, “Can you recognise when content is trying to make you feel entrenched in your views?”, “Why might flexible thinking matter when we’re online?” Effective questioning is one of the most powerful ways we can help young people to learn how to think, not simply what to think.

Support

Peter Worley once chatted to us about aporia (απορια) - an Ancient Greek word meaning without a path. In Plato’s dialogues, Socrates often guided his students into a state of aporia, a feeling of puzzlement or perplexity, a moment when familiar assumptions break down and clear answers are elusive. This ancient idea has a lot to teach us about the moments when children are frustrated by not knowing how to answer something. For children, aporia captures a range of experiences and emotions they may encounter at school or home when grappling with tricky questions: uncertainty, frustration, ambiguity, ambivalence, even boredom or failure. These feelings are often considered to be negative. But they are actually essential stepping stones towards insight and understanding.

Being confused is different from being able to identify that we are confused. If you notice your child feeling puzzled or stuck to the point of frustration, try the following. Help them to name their emotions. Ask, “What is it you’re feeling right now?” Explore their feelings further, in a more granular way. Consider what strategies might help. Together, brainstorm approaches to move forward. This could be anything from taking a deep breath, having a break, trying a different perspective, approaching the problem differently or asking someone else for input.

Remember to model it. We experience aporia too. The next time we encounter uncertainty, struggle or are unsure how to figure something out, let’s not cover it up or pretend it isn’t happening. Let’s try to celebrate the grey areas, demonstrate curiosity and perseverance, and, as families, try to embrace these tricky moments.

For our children, taking the time to question things together can spark curiosity, conversation and a sense that their ideas truly matter. The way we respond to children’s questions and the questions that we ask them can shape not just conversations, but deepen our relationships and strengthen learning.