Reflect

The fact that bigger uniforms needed buying, stationery needed restocking, work needed doing and that everyday life normally worked to a very different rhythm all became boring truths to be dealt with at a later date.

Suddenly, it is September, the start of meteorological autumn and, just like that, the nights are noticeably drawing in. For me, term time, and the change in mindset that it requires, has felt like it’s arrived with a bit of a bump.

Yes, I work at Tooled Up, and yes, I know all the advice. I know that we should gently shift bedtimes back before school starts. I know that we should get organised in advance and ease ourselves back into familiar routines gradually. And as one of our lovely Wednesday Wisdom readers, you probably know that too, as these are tips that we’ve regularly given out. However, knowing what we should do and actually managing to do it are two rather different things.

Certainly in my house, bedtimes have become elastic over the summer (or perhaps more honestly, entirely non-existent), and nobody apart from me has needed to be anywhere much in the mornings, other than in bed. The very sudden return of alarms, homework and the dreaded packed lunch has felt somewhat demanding. And if this change in rhythm can feel fairly dramatic to us as adults, it’s definitely worth remembering how significant it can feel for our children. After long weeks of greater freedom and fewer demands on their time, they are suddenly back to early starts, rules, timetables, concentrating for hours on end, managing friendships and navigating all the expectations and opportunities that come with school.

Even for children and teens who are really pleased to be back, finding their term-time rhythm again can take a little while. After a long summer, some of the everyday routines that felt automatic back in June no longer feel habitual. Asking our brains (or our children’s) to suddenly think about what we need tomorrow, where we all have to be after school, when to fit in homework and what to have for breakfast (rather than waking up at lunch) can feel effortful, and may require conscious thought until patterns become embedded again.

Of course, there is plenty to welcome about getting back into the swing of things. Seeing friends (much cited as the top reason for returning to school in our house), reestablishing connections, trying new things and developing different skills all await our children as they start the new school year. And for us adults, perhaps having more breathing space to concentrate on work, a bit of time to do something for ourselves, or some structure to the day is a good thing too. We just might need a little period of adjustment.

Motivate

One of the most important places to start is sleep. If bedtimes have drifted, these first few early morning starts might feel brutal, particularly for teens. Gently and warmly re-establishing some ground rules (even with older offspring) is one of the most useful things we can do to help them get the sleep they need. So they don’t feel singled out, it can help to think about sleep hygiene as a family, chatting together about what might help everyone wind down, what tends to get in the way of a good night’s sleep and whether there are any habits that could do with a bit of a reset. If any worries about the next school day have started creeping into bedtime, one tip from the evidence base is that setting aside a short period of ‘constructive worry time’ earlier in the evening can give children a chance to tell us what is on their mind, think through anything that can actually be dealt with and potentially make a plan for the following day. It’s worth a try!

We all know that the return to school means an increase in the ‘mental load’. I know that I’ve been inundated with emails in the last few days about school trips, clubs, lunch money payments, instrument lessons, policy updates and more, most of which I’ve likely forgotten to action. Our children also have a lot to remember, particularly once they reach secondary school. Getting this huge list of stuff out of our heads and onto paper can be beneficial. Shared calendars, visual reminders, checklists or simply regular conversations about what's coming up can all help to reduce the cognitive load. When children are developmentally able, involving them in these processes (perhaps with our back to school checklist and weekly planner, for example) rather than trying to remember everything for them or feeling irritated when they inevitably forget, can also help them to gradually develop their own organisational skills.

Children and teens have a lot to process in the first few weeks back at school (particularly if they’ve started at a new setting) and they may well not want to tell us all about it the minute they walk through the door. I’m sure we’ve all asked the question, ‘What did you do at school today?’ and been told, ‘Nothing’, or received some other equally monosyllabic or unenthusiastic response. Perhaps, instead, we can look for other, less pressured and more natural ways to connect and chat, maybe over dinner or when walking the dog. If we really want to find out how their day was, we might need to be a bit more imaginative in our questioning (Tooled Up members could give some of these suggestions a go and let us know if they work).

You might well feel significantly more gung ho about the new school year than I do currently. If so, you might need to try to resist any urge to start the term at absolute full tilt. Whilst it really is wonderful to offer our children interesting opportunities, and we might feel tempted to encourage them to try every single one of the clubs and activities offered during and after school, we all benefit from a bit of balance. It’s easy to say, but leaving some margin for unscheduled pockets of time for family or simply for chilling out is really important, perhaps especially in September, when all of us are already navigating different routines and increased workloads.

Really, the start of the new school year offers a good opportunity to pause and think about what we’d all actually like to get out of it. Whilst we don’t want to feel overstretched, we might encourage our children to think about one or two things they’d like to work towards or try or do differently this term (we could do the same). This definitely doesn’t need to be a grand academic plan. It might be something incredibly simple like not leaving homework until the last minute, getting to know someone new, trying an activity or reading more. Whatever goals they set, it’s worth encouraging them to choose things that feel personally meaningful and achievable.

Support

There are some evidence-informed actions that parents who find themselves supporting a child who is distressed about returning to school can take. Many draw on what we know from research into anxiety and avoidance, alongside wider evidence and practice around school attendance and wellbeing.

Perhaps most importantly, we should try to move away from any assumption that a child struggling to attend simply doesn't want to go. Many children experiencing what is known as ‘emotionally based school avoidance’ desperately want to go to school, see their friends and learn, but something about the experience has become very difficult to manage. A useful starting point is to stay curious about what might be driving these feelings and attempt to understand what feels difficult about being there. A particular lesson? Time of day? Point of transition? Friendship? Sensory struggles? Eating lunch in the canteen?

It can also help to find the aspects of school that perhaps still feel safe or even enjoyable; things that offer an ongoing point of connection. A sense of belonging matters too. ImpactEd’s 2024 Understanding Attendance report identified this as a key driver of attendance, closely linked with feeling safe at school. For any child who is struggling, it can be helpful to think about what makes them feel that they are a valued part of their school community. A friend? Teacher? A specific space? Plans to increase attendance should always involve the child or young person and focus on small and manageable steps.

But, having given all of this (deceptively simple sounding) advice, in reality, we know from both the literature and from experience with the schools and families we support, that every situation is going to be different. Some are very complex, and there may be no single plan that will work for all children. Wherever possible, one of the most valuable things parents and school staff can do is establish a strong, collaborative relationship from the outset. Sharing things that you notice, listening to what the other is seeing and saying, involving the child and being prepared to adapt plans as you learn more can all help. Approaching the issue together is a very good place to start.