Reflect

The other evening, I’d just dropped the kids at a training session. I was sitting quietly in the car park enjoying the briefest of power naps after a long day, when someone scrunched my car whilst attempting to pull in next to me. I listened helplessly to the graunching sound of my bumper being wrenched from its fixings, and then the subsequent scraping of metal as the driver tried to reverse their car back away from mine. My first thought wasn’t actually the damage. Instead, it was how on earth I was going to find the time to get it fixed. When would I be able to visit garages, get quotes and be without my car? How could I fit that in, as well as a full day’s work and the unexpected dental appointment my daughter had the next day? Would I still be able to ferry the children to and from their school trips? I felt irritated. Another thing on the list. Another plate to spin. An untimely reminder that our lives can often run so close to capacity that even minor disruptions feel like major derailments.

Truthfully, I’ve got it pretty easy this year. With children in Years 7 and 9, nothing especially momentous is happening in our family life. I don’t have offspring sitting high stakes exams, unlike many colleagues, friends (one of whom is also just finishing a teaching qualification) or readers. I’ve not been juggling meetings whilst also ensuring that they get to their exams on time, prepped and fed.

Unlike last year, I don’t have a child embarking on the transition to secondary school, with all of the many, many events, activities, assemblies, shows and arrangements that accompany finishing primary education.

My children are relatively self-sufficient now. Working parents with younger children, though, also face the stress (and expense) of figuring out how to keep the kids occupied on the summer break whilst they work. And I can only imagine what the end of the year is like for teachers! School trips, sports days, transition visits, exams to mark, reports to write.

All I’ve really got to think about is the normal day to day. Work, ordinary life admin, general end of school year events and gearing up for the summer holidays. And yet even that feels like a lot!

It struck me that feeling overwhelmed isn’t only about how busy we are, it’s also about how little space there is to absorb the unexpected. If the cup is already full, where are the extras going to go? A bumped car, a rescheduled appointment, a road closure stopping the school bus reaching the village, forgotten swimming shorts needed for a school trip - all little highlights from my week. When something small spills over, it doesn’t feel small at all.

Motivate

In the meantime, maybe we should all give ourselves permission to gracefully decline optional extras and create a little space for rest. Are the kids really going to be scarred for life if they miss one gymnastics lesson? Will the world end if you say you can’t attend one meeting? Probably not. Sometimes, using the word ‘no’ can help to protect the things that we really want to say yes to. Our energy and time are finite. Using them mindfully matters.

Maybe we should also remember that shortcuts are ok? If the school trip lunch ends up being a supermarket meal deal, that’s still a packed lunch. No one’s handing out prizes for home-baked flapjacks right now. These final weeks of term don’t need to be perfect. They just need to be enough.

Purposefully cultivating a bit of balance within family life, tasks and responsibilities can also be beneficial. We’ve recommended a family ‘spinning plates’ exercise before, but it’s a good one, so here’s a reminder.

All you need are some dinner plates, some post-it notes and the rest of your family. Pop your plates on the kitchen table. On each plate, stick a note, labelling your top stressors. Perhaps these are domestic chores, work pressures, school admin or holiday planning. Everyone’s plates will be different. As a family, try to work out how to make it a little easier to keep the plates spinning. Maybe your kids can take over sorting the dishes or laundry folding? Maybe you can split lifts to school and activities more evenly with a co-parent or trusted friend? Small shifts in responsibility can help to create breathing space. Co-designing strategies with our children in this way also has the benefit of beginning to teach them that high levels of stress are not to be tolerated (as it will begin to affect our bodies and relationships), and that families should work together as a team. It goes without saying that these conversations should stick to age-appropriate themes. Major adult stressors don’t belong on children’s plates.

Feeling overwhelmed isn’t fun. But if we try to focus on a silver lining, maybe we could also view it as an opportunity? A moment to model something useful to our children. Even adults get overloaded sometimes and it’s good to recognise our limits. If we say it out loud and show the strategies we use to cope, perhaps our kids will grow up with a little more understanding and a few more tools of their own?

Support

But, as clinical psychologist, Dr Tara Porter, notes in her latest book, “More of a good thing isn’t always better; more is sometimes worse. There is a tipping point. It is worse, for example, when it starts to overstimulate kids, when there is no downtime and free play or when it stresses and exhausts parents. When it gets in the way of relationships. Or when I have parents desperate to bring their distressed child to see me, but they can’t find any time between the swimming, tutoring, orchestra and running club”.

Many of us rush from pillar to post after school, fitting in extracurricular sports and groups, from dance to football, swimming to gymnastics, instrument lessons, choir, perhaps even tutoring. But when children constantly rush from one thing to the next, it can lead to stress, burnout and loss of joy, even in things they love. It’s important to remember that our children need downtime too. Not every moment of their lives has to be optimised. In fact, quiet, unstructured time to rest, potter about or be bored is essential for creativity, emotional regulation and resilience.

There’s no set rule about how many activities are too many. It depends on the individual. Some children thrive with multiple commitments in and out of school. Others don’t. Some children might be ok with an activity most days at primary school, but find their capacity lessens as they grow older, their interests shift and school work mounts up. Some children simply need more time to unwind quietly than others.

You know your child best! Still, whilst every child is different, there are common signs which might indicate that they are doing too much. If your child doesn’t have time for free play, fun or relaxation, if they have lost interest in something they used to enjoy, if they are often fatigued or struggle to wake up in the morning, if their behaviour is different, or if their teachers have noticed a change, they may just have too much going on.

There’s no one size fits all solution to scheduling, but there are various simple and useful things that we can do to try to ensure that our lives, and our children’s lives, feel balanced and fulfilling. Protect free time - and remember that unstructured time is not wasted time. When prioritising structured activities, some things will be non-negotiable and necessary (homework or other age-appropriate household responsibilities, for example). But where you do have choice, try to focus on activities that your child is interested in, genuinely enjoys and which they find meaningful. If you aren’t sure, ask them, “What are you looking forward to?” or, “What do you have the most fun doing each week?” You might be surprised by their answers!

If you do notice any signs of overwhelm, initiate supportive conversations and listen to what they say. “How are you feeling about all your activities lately?” “Is there anything you wish you had more time for?” Sometimes, children can feel a sense of expectation to do something because they know that we think it’s worthwhile, or because they’ve absorbed a narrative around its benefits. If we encourage them to voice their true thoughts, we give them permission to pause and reflect. Are they feeling overwhelmed? Is something no longer enjoyable? This can help them feel safe to express their needs and wishes without fear of disappointing us or other adults. Ideally, we want our children to have hobbies and activities that they enjoy, not ones that they feel they ought to stick with in order to gain our approval. If you’re a Tooled Up subscriber, we’ve got an activity that can help children work out whether their week is balanced and fun, or if they might be trying to do a little bit too much.

Remember also that children’s needs, interests and capacities will change over time. Reducing or changing commitments isn’t a failure. It’s a healthy, responsive choice. We might model this approach in our own lives too, so that our children know that it’s ok to stop something, and that balance is something that we all need to continually work towards. We can only spin so many plates at once! If you are UK based, we hope that you and your family have a (relatively) calm end to the school year and manage to find moments of rest amidst the rush.