Reflect
A few months ago, I had the opportunity to meet Jessica Bondy, founder of the brilliant, new and ambitious charity, Words Matter. We talked in-depth about the topic closest to her heart: how we talk to children and the long-term impact of verbal abuse.
The Words Matter charity reminds us to pay great attention to how we speak to the children in our lives and argues that if children are spoken to in a way that is verbally abusive, cruel or degrading, it can profoundly shape their sense of self-esteem and long-term mental health.
It is amazing how many adults I have come across in my life who tell me that they have never forgotten a comment made about their appearance or capabilities during their childhood. Many can also vividly recall an incident within family life when they felt humiliated by adult name-calling.
Think about what was said to you when you were growing up. Can you remember the adjectives that adults used to describe you? Perhaps they were words that ‘built you up’, encouraged and inspired you? Or, perhaps the adult’s choice of words felt cruel and demeaning? Perhaps you still think about those words and they still make you question yourself or what you are capable of?
Children are highly dependent on feedback from adults; what we tell children about themselves can shape their sense of self and identity. Our opinions of ourselves when we are young are the opinions of our parents, caregivers, teachers and those in positions of authority. We believe them as gospel. If children hear negative feedback, or receive cruel jibes or reminders that they are considered ‘less than’, then that is what they begin to believe.
So how common is this sort of verbal abuse? Research carried out by Words Matter shows that two in five children aged 11-17 years in the UK (41% or two million children), experience harmful verbal abuse from adults in their lives. What form does this take? It might include insulting, belittling, intimidating, demeaning, disrespecting, scolding, frightening, ridiculing, criticising, name-calling or threatening a child. Verbal abuse doesn’t need to be loud or involve shouting. It can be quiet, insidious and subtle. Tone, volume and facial expression all play a part. Verbal abuse is commonly used to intimidate, undermine and maintain a level of control and power over a child.
While in some instances, it can be unintentional and unthinking, perhaps the result of stressful lives and situations, for the child on the receiving end, it can result in low self-esteem, feelings of shame and guilt, intense humiliation, denigration and extreme fear. If experienced consistently, verbal abuse can have both immediate and long-term effects.
I recorded a podcast interview with Jessica and Dr Fiona Pienaar, who is a child and adolescent mental health specialist and coach, and a former teacher with over 30 years of experience. During the conversation, Dr Pienaar told me that childhood verbal abuse can actively weaken the foundations of developing brains at a time when children are reliant on the significant adults in their lives. She noted that, “Childhood verbal abuse can cause alterations to brain structure, function, connectivity and network architecture in children and adolescents. So exposure to verbal abuse, which we can see as an adverse experience in childhood, is associated with multiple poorer health and behavioural outcomes.” Verbal abuse is known to contribute to a range of later mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, eating disorders, PTSD, substance abuse, self-harm and even suicidality.
It might surprise you to learn that childhood verbal abuse by adults can be as harmful and traumatic as other forms of abuse. This is because it can act like a toxic stress on a child, derailing their physical and emotional development. As Professor Peter Fonagy (Head of the Division of Psychology and Language Sciences at UCL) says: it is also, “all too common and is one of the most significant modifiable causes of life-long mental health disorders”.
Motivate
Many of you might be reading this and thinking, ‘Gosh, have I ever said something verbally abusive to my own children? And if so, how will I know? What might the impact be?
Firstly, it is important to appreciate the distinction between telling the kids off in the morning because they are late for school and have forgotten their PE kit (which I did this morning, for example), and cruel, regular chastisement that humiliates and belittles. I think that most adults can understand the qualitative difference. Most children understand that their parents still love them (despite the cross words about the PE kit) and don’t think much about the telling off beyond the moment itself.
However, all adults should be educated about the signs of verbal abuse. The NSPCC say that the signs of a child being verbally abused include: appearing anxious, lacking self-confidence and being withdrawn, struggling with friendships, finding it tricky to control their emotions, using language or acting in a way that seems age-inappropriate, difficulty concentrating, and experiencing physical aches, pains and muscle tension.
Childhood and adolescence is a time of vulnerability when brains and bodies are developing rapidly. Hearing kind, calm words, and experiencing warm and loving interactions helps build the strong foundations that are crucial for a child’s progress.
So, what might those loving words be? Happily, Words Matter has identified some of the most helpful and encouraging words and phrases, and they are likely to be things that many of you loving parents use already. They include, “I am proud of you”, “You can do it”, “I believe in you”, “I am here for you” and, “It is ok to make mistakes, you can learn from them”. Nearly two thirds of children involved in research carried out by the charity said that hearing these words and phrases made them feel encouraged, happy, good about themselves, loved, liked and confident. They are reassuring, inspire hope and give children feedback that we love them no matter what and will support them unconditionally. They are the opposite of phrases such as: “You are useless”, “You are stupid”, “I am ashamed of you” or, “You never do anything right!”.
If we do mess up and say things that we deeply regret, as adults, it is always good to say sorry, to model genuine regret and to promise to do better. Children are incredibly forgiving! What phrases have you used after speaking to your children in a way that instantly makes you feel terrible? For me, it is, “I am sorry, that was a horrible thing to say. Please forgive me” and, “I said that because I was stressed about something else, but that is not your fault at all, I am sorry”. It is terribly humbling to witness how forgiving children can be. Words can wound, but as Dr Manasi Kumar, Research Professor at the Institute for Excellence in Health Equity, NYU Grossman School of Medicine and Affiliate Associate Professor at the Department of Psychiatry, University of Nairobi, Kenya says, “we must [also] recognise the power of words to heal and foster resilience”.
Support
Let’s build children up, not knock them down.
Words Matter has created a suite of useful, free resources for adults, which are available to download on its website. But the team has also provided us with the following fantastic practical tips for communicating with children, which will help to build them up and encourage them to thrive.
Firstly, let’s think about what we are modelling. Talk to children in a calm, kind and respectful tone. Give them your full attention and show them the same respect that you would show a colleague who wishes to talk to you. Wouldn’t you give them 100% of your attention, time and a smile?
Secondly, set clear and gentle expectations. It is unhelpful to berate children for not doing what we asked them to do if we haven’t clearly explained what we need them to do and why. When setting expectations, we should always use age-appropriate language and words that they can understand. Children want to do the best they can. When they do listen well, praise them. When they try hard to carry out a task, tell them they are making great progress. When they finish a task, tell them what impressed you about how they went about it. Praising the positives and keeping your eye on their progress means you will likely use kind language. Be aware of your body language. Avoid standing over a child as this can intimidate them. Try to get down to their level to communicate ‘eye to eye’ if you can.
Always avoid using language that is judgemental, comparative and demeaning. Take a meta-moment, a pause and a deep breath before reacting (this is tough, but try it!). If you’re feeling angry and agitated, or experiencing challenging emotions yourself, stop, breathe, step away if you need to, and think before you speak. Remember that if you do this, you are modelling an approach that will be incredibly beneficial for your children in the future. It’s also good advice to think about how we talk to other adults in our homes and remember that our children notice how we communicate with our partners or co-parents. Modelling how to apologise or repair rupture is crucial, as is speaking respectfully.
Having effective strategies for managing our own stress and emotions can help here. Life can feel stressful and overwhelming. Having a toolkit of activities and people that make us feel good and help us to decompress will mean that we are less likely to inadvertently take our stresses out on the children around us. If you do really struggle to control your temper, feel highly stressed or find it hard to manage your emotions with your children, always seek professional support. In doing so, you are doing what is best for them and investing in their mental health and wellbeing.
Finally, it’s a great idea to ask children if they feel happy in their environment (whether that’s at home, school or a sports club). Don’t be afraid to turn over stones! Asking children whether they feel content, or whether they’d like anything to change, can be a revealing and informative exercise. Allow children to have a voice, and then take time to reflect and act on what they say.
Shout offers a confidential helpline for anyone needing support. Text SHOUT to 85258 at any time. Likewise, the NSPCC helpline is there if you need to raise concerns about a child or young person. You can contact the helpline on 0808 800 5000 (11am-5pm Monday to Friday) or email help@NSPCC.org.uk at any time.
Are you a Tooled Up member?
If you’d like to hear more from the Words Matter team, Tooled Up subscribers can tune into our webinar and podcast interview now, or read the notes that accompany both resources.
It’s always a good idea to reflect on things that are going well in family life and identify anything that could perhaps do with a change or refresh. Our home life audit activity can help. Fill it in as a family and use it to ignite conversations, observations and goals about family relationships. If you have younger children, try this activity, which has a simpler format.
If you feel that you might benefit from better evaluating stress triggers in your own life, then check out our Stress Less template. For any parents worried about upcoming changes in their child’s life (perhaps the start of the new school year is making you feel a little wobbly), this resource can offer some support. For any family striving to cultivate that strong sense of parent / child connection, we have a series of conversational, supportive webinars with Dr Gauri Seth, who is a coach with a background in psychiatry and medicine. We’re well aware that parenting is a long and complex journey. If you raise your child/ren with a co-parent/s, you might experience disagreements about parenting decisions (big or small). You might also find that you are too busy getting on with the day to day to tell them what you appreciate and admire in their parenting. Our parenting behaviours audit can open up some honest conversations.
Anyone wanting to learn more about taking a meta-moment should tune into our interview with Professor Marc Brackett and read the accompanying notes. It’s well worth taking the time to learn a little more about his simple four step tool.
Finally, we’re excited to let you know that all Tooled Up parents can now access a brand new parenting course, Parenting Matters, for free! Created by a team of academics at King's College London, led by Consultant Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist, Professor Stephen Scott, it’s an interactive, fun and highly effective online parenting course and community, which is based on up to date research. If you are a Tooled Up parent, please get in touch with us for your exclusive discount code.