Reflect

In many ways, it was the perfect setting for a meltdown. It was a warm, sunny, FA Cup semifinal day, so crowds of chanting, inebriated football fans were streaming past towards the Bakerloo line. Tourists were queueing for the museum, and a nearby Lamborghini was revving with unnecessary enthusiasm. Right in the middle of it all, this child had reached his max.

Passersby reacted quickly to the unfolding family fallout. Some muttered unkind labels about the young boy. Others rapidly directed their disapproval at the parent, tutting with the quiet authority of people with zero practical experience of supporting an overwhelmed child in public. In a matter of seconds, sides were chosen.

The mum stood in the middle of the pavement, absorbing her little boy’s distress, as well as the weight of public judgement. She appeared calm and, to others, perhaps nonplussed. It was the kind of calm that tends to be interpreted as “doing nothing” by bystanders. A younger child stood beside her, holding her hand, anxiously scanning the faces around her who were muttering and tutting.

I was monitoring my own response in real time. Years ago, before I knew anything about parenting, mental health, child development or neurodiversity, I would honestly have mentally joined the silent chorus of judgemental tutting. Perhaps I would have glanced at the parent with a look that said, “Surely you are going to tell him off!” I would have wanted a swift resolution, ideally one that restored order quickly and that served some kind of justice.

It has taken years of experience, learning, research and my own humbling parenting meltdown moments to realise how unfair and ill-educated such a perspective was. Such scenarios are rarely about “bad behaviour” and more about developing brains, overwhelmed nervous systems, sensory overload and children who are trying their best to regulate their emotions during challenging times.

As I stood there watching the scene unfold on the pavement, I didn’t see “a failing parent”, I saw an overwhelmed child and a parent who was holding steady. This time, instead of gawking, or judging, I simply walked past, caught the mother’s eye, and gave a knowing smile. The kind that says: “I see you. We have all been there! It’s tough. I feel for you”.

Motivate

At the time, I remember being scrutinised by passersby, worrying about their judgement as well as balancing what I felt was the ‘right’ thing to do in the moment, for my child.

As it happens, earlier last week I presented a talk on ‘Managing Meltdowns and Boosting Resilience’ (albeit to parents of older children), so I feel freshly familiar with some ideas that might help us understand and possibly pre-empt meltdowns, no matter the age or stage of our children.

From the get-go, it is good to recognise, meltdowns are often ‘stress responses’ not a choice, so in general terms, if we see them as that, we will respond with much more empathy which can in turn reduce escalation.

How can we ensure that if these moments do occur, we can work to anticipate them and hopefully pre-empt them? How might we respond in a way that avoids escalation and helps our children better equipped moving forward?

Modern life is exceptionally busy and fast-moving; riddled with noise, distraction and demands. Many children and teens are quietly navigating anxiety, self-doubt, pressure to fit in or succeed. Sometimes pressures can spill into emotional responses that can affect family life and relationships.

When I gave my talk last week, I framed it with this empathetic acknowledgement, but also invited parents to audit the family environment. Is there anything we can practically do to reduce the chances of meltdowns occurring in the first place?

This of course means spending time exploring the potential causes of such intense emotional outbursts. It will never be the same for every young person. Factors such as temperament, personality, family stressors, feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem and/or having to ‘mask’ one’s feelings all day at school can play a role. Children might simply be over-scheduled and utterly exhausted but unable to recognise the ‘why’.

Most parents agreed that talking to one’s child in the middle of a full-scale meltdown is a strategy painfully doomed to failure; a point honestly underlined by Dad, Jon Brewer’s commentary when he said learning to walk away from his teen son’s angry meltdowns was what turned things around and sowed the seeds for more effective communication between them.

Another potentially positive move is to consider leaning in when your child is in relatively good form. When they feel good, are having a good day and things feel amicable between you, encourage reflection or nudge about why that might be the case. If today feels good, why? What is it about a certain activity that they are doing that gives them joy? Perhaps offer your reflections about the days when things get heated within family life or when they might struggle more. What do they think of those days? What factors might contribute to overwhelm? How can you work together to puzzle out what you can do together to reduce reaching feelings of distress?

Carry the conversation in a way that draws on authenticity and kindness. Wonder together… Do you think a late bedtime might be playing a role here? Or could feeling ‘hangry’ after sports on Wednesday night have contributed to those overwhelming feelings? Is there something that you feel I could have done differently when that happened? What can we learn about one another?

Our children need to feel that they ‘matter’; to feel heard, seen and valued. They need us to really listen, take onboard their feelings and show an interest in their experiences and perspective. Over time, these moments shape how they see themselves and can practically equip them with skills that will enable self-reflection and self-regulation. Our relationship with our children and the relationship that they have with themselves lies at the heart of resilience and of cultivating high-self-esteem too.

During my talk, we discussed how sometimes meltdowns can be connected to low self-esteem or personal feelings of inadequacy. Who hasn’t ever walked away angrily or felt intensely irritated because we feel we can’t do something, that we are never going to ‘get it’? Such meltdowns can sometimes relate back to social comparison, perfectionism and wanting to do a good job and/or anxiety that we won’t be able to succeed in this task. When we pause and look beneath such behaviour, the question shifts from “How do I stop this?” to “What might be going on here?”

How our children see themselves is key. How they talk to themselves in a moment of struggle matters. We want them to notice patterns in their own responses. We need them to be kinder to themselves, to feel emotion but also to ensure that those feelings don’t unreasonably morph into uncontrollable rage or into actions that can prove harmful.

We can support children’s self-esteem and confidence, again through conversation and by developing their thinking. Asking the question: “What do you think?” may seem simple enough, but it signals that their perspective really matters. Helping children develop a language for their emotions makes a significant difference. Many experience strong feelings but do not yet have the words to describe them. By gently naming emotions and normalising ‘ups and downs’, we make those feelings less overwhelming. Emotions become something to understand, rather than something to fear.

It is also worth remembering that resilience is shaped as much by everyday routines as it is by big conversations. Sleep plays a crucial role. Children who are well rested tend to cope better, think more clearly and manage social situations more effectively. Predictable routines and calmer transitions can make a surprising difference to how the day unfolds. Breakfast provides a strong foundation for emotional regulation throughout the day, so worth exploring how that is working!

Many families are currently in the middle of exam season which can be an emotional rollercoaster for all, so we can practice our skills around developing family emotional literacy. And after exam season, comes results and reporting season (where much will be required from us to support them with managing successes and disappointments), followed by chatter about transition for the academic year 2026-7. As parents, we are already likely contemplating summer plans, school or university starts and mapping out the best ways to support our children.

A good starting point for parents is to tap into how we are feeling about these different things (doing so with a partner or a friend works well) and anticipating moments that might feel particularly challenging for your child. Can you identify patterns from previous experiences and consider how you might pre-empt some of those situations? Can you ensure you are physically there in anticipation of certain days in your child’s upcoming calendar? Can you listen (without prompting) to your child’s feelings about what lies ahead and demonstrate the sort of openness and ease that gives them the message your support is clear and unconditional?

Support

The chat was filled with parents sharing their experiences, with several describing how supporting their child through burnout has been the hardest period of their lives so far. It was abundantly clear just how difficult it is for so many families to watch their previously thriving children become overwhelmed, exhausted and unable to cope in the ways they once could. Autistic burnout is the brain’s response to cumulative overload. One of its most distinctive and alarming characteristics is the loss of previously secure skills. A child or young person’s ability to read, speak or manage their own routines might regress. Of course, for both parents and young people, unsure of what is going on, or why, this is utterly terrifying.

Hannah noted that, for autistic children, meltdowns, which often happen after a day of cognitively demanding masking at school, are one early warning sign of potential burnout.

Masking, or behaving in a way to ‘fit in’ or appear neurotypical is very common in autistic young people, particularly girls. It might include forced eye contact, copying peers’ expressions or intonation, and suppressing stimming (self-regulatory movements or habits that autistic people often use to regulate their nervous systems). Outwardly, this can look like success and it is often rewarded as good behaviour. But inwardly, this hidden effort is deeply costly.

The cognitive energy required to maintain eye contact, manage sensory input and navigate social exchanges is huge and, particularly at school or in other social situations, there is often little or no space for recovery. For many young people, home is the only place safe enough to release - hence the meltdowns.

Hannah emphasised that burnout is not caused by a single event. Instead, it develops when demands consistently outweigh opportunities for rest and recovery. If you notice meltdowns beginning or increasing, it may be helpful to take preventative action to reduce overall cognitive and emotional load.

Hannah suggests approaching this with curiosity, working alongside your child to identify what feels particularly depleting or challenging. Is it lunchtime, busy corridors, test pressure? Is it group work? Have they fallen out with a friend, but they don’t know why? Has their workload increased? Have they been overwhelmed sensorily? Are they moving to a new school?

Building this bigger picture is key. Where possible, temporarily modifying high-demand situations or pressure points can create space for recovery. Remember that your child won’t always have the words to explain how they feel and using pictures or visual aids to help them explore their feelings can be helpful.

Hannah also stressed the vital importance of having a supportive network, both for you and your child, and highlighted that whilst research consistently shows that community is a protective factor in burnout and is vital for recovery and wellbeing, its impact is often underestimated. Some studies suggest that autistic young people naturally gravitate towards one another, finding understanding and ease in shared experiences, which can also support identity development and self-esteem. Creating opportunities for connection, whether through friendships, school-based peer support or wider networks, can make a meaningful difference. Family relationships, friendships and community groups can all play a role in building a sense of belonging.

For parents, this journey can feel isolating, and feelings of worry or even shame are not uncommon. Finding a network of people who understand can be reassuring and empowering.

Whether your child is neurodivergent or neurotypical, it’s helpful to frame meltdowns as a signal that they are overwhelmed and their nervous system is struggling to cope, rather than as poor behaviour. And if you feel judged as your child refuses to move from the mud due to a suspicious banana, remember, in reality many other parents will have experienced similar moments themselves and most are far more understanding and sympathetic than we fear.