Help! The school wants to mix the classes around next year and my child won’t be with his friends. I am really worried about it. What advice do you have?
First of all, you have my sympathies. It is reassuring and joyful to know that our children are safely installed with their besties in a classroom setting. They will always have someone fun to play with or to borrow a pencil from; their happiness practically guaranteed! The news that children may have to mingle socially during the next academic year can be anxiety-inducing for both parents and children. Change is unsettling and the future unknown. We can’t control what might happen, or account for how our children might respond. However, often what is best for our children is totally counterintuitive to us as loving parents. It might feel like the best thing for your child is to be with their best pals in the same setting, in the short term, but what about the longer term?
First of all, you have my sympathies. It is reassuring and joyful to know that our children are safely installed with their besties in a classroom setting. They will always have someone fun to play with or to borrow a pencil from; their happiness practically guaranteed! The news that children may have to mingle socially during the next academic year can be anxiety-inducing for both parents and children. Change is unsettling and the future unknown. We can’t control what might happen, or account for how our children might respond. However, often what is best for our children is totally counterintuitive to us as loving parents. It might feel like the best thing for your child is to be with their best pals in the same setting, in the short term, but what about the longer term?
The uncomfortable truth is that children need change to grow, and being ‘thrown in the social deep-end’ can be an enormously resilience-boosting measure.
Try to think about the situation in a different way. Your child has solidified a friendship or friendships in one class. Can they do the same in the other? By connecting and making friends with a diverse range of children, that perhaps they may not ordinarily choose to socialise with, they grow in social skills and confidence. Consider the long-term. One day, as a young adult, they may well be alone in a hall of residence or college. Perhaps they will arrive at a party or a work event and know no one. Childhood provides a training ground to get comfortable with the discomfort of having to reach out and cultivate social support when we need to. Without experiencing this, our children may not develop the social and emotional resilience required for adulthood.
By being positive about the impending classroom mix-up and teaching children that it is exciting to be given the opportunity to make new friends, we teach them that change can provide new opportunities for growth. If they are a little bit worried about making new friends, then practise those skills together! How might they initiate a chat with someone they don’t know on their first day? How can they make another child feel better because they are missing their friends? Encourage your child to lead the way in terms of bringing the new class together. Can they be an agent of change rather than a victim of it?
It should also reassure you to know that teaching staff only want what is best for children and they will have put a great deal of thought into classroom seating and friendship patterns. Let’s trust their professional knowledge and support them in their quest to provide an optimal learning and social environment for all children.
Just because change is coming, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t emphasise all the things that will stay the same in September. Happily, your child will still see their besties in the playground at lunchtimes and can even invite new friends into their play. Playdates and the holidays also provide ample chance to invest in old friendships whilst leaving time to celebrate and develop new connections.
More Parenting Questions
Jun 03, 2024
How can I best support my son with changes to his class next year?
Firstly, it is normal to worry about changes that lie ahead for our children and to worry about their ability to cope. You aren’t alone. The start of a new academic year is always full of changes to school life. New classrooms perhaps? Timetables? Teachers, pupils, curricula, canteen menus? You sound like you are holding a lot of anticipatory anxiety about the changes that are forthcoming. These changes have likely been explained to you by the school, and perhaps you still feel fearful?
Apr 22, 2024
How can I support my teen through a break up?
Early teen romances can certainly feel exciting and exhilarating but most are also short-lived, and supporting our children through them is something we will likely have to do several times over the years to come. Here are some tips to help you to support your daughter.
Feb 13, 2024
How can I support my child’s move to a new school where he doesn’t know anyone?
Hello! Thanks for your question. When I was reading through it, the thing that stood out first was the description of your son as unconcerned about impending changes and “confident socially”. This is good news indeed and bodes well, although, as you suggest, it is prudent not to assume that he has zero concerns at all about the upcoming school move.
Aug 03, 2023
What do we need to consider when buying our child a smartphone?
First of all, well done considering this important decision ‘as a family’. Buying a first phone for a child can be a financial commitment but, truth be told, it’s also a decision that can impact on all aspects of their lives: mental health, wellbeing, resilience, friendships and even their learning. It is important to think of it as a significant decision which deserves research and reflection. A smartphone isn’t just a phone. Essentially, it is a hand-held computer that, once connected to the internet, can give access to a digital frontier occupied by five billion people.
Feb 17, 2023
What’s the best way to talk to my son about puberty and growing up?
We asked leading expert, Charlotte Markey, Professor of Psychology at Rutgers University, to answer this fantastic question from a Tooled Up mum. Charlotte has published numerous academic studies in this field and has also written two amazing books on body image for tweens and teens which we highly recommend. Details are at the bottom of the article.
Sep 05, 2022
How can I best support my son whilst my wife is going through treatment for breast cancer?
Thank you for your question. From the detail you supply in your email to me, it is crystal clear that this young man lives in a loving, warm and supportive family unit (perfect conditions to cultivate and sustain a child’s resilience). Your concern relates to the fact that your child is starting secondary school and that his mother’s treatment coincides with an important milestone in his life. I can understand why, at this particular time, you might worry a little more about this child than other children in the family.
Jul 02, 2022
How can I talk to my teenage daughter constructively about the clothes that she chooses to wear?
First of all, you have my sympathy in dealing with this issue. The question you pose is not an easy one to grapple with, and I know for sure that it is a question on other parents’ minds too as summer approaches. Everyone wants their child to grow up to be independent, self-assured and body confident, but also to stay safe. So, your intentions in both raising this question and wanting to explore optimal ways for talking to your teen about her clothing choices, are well-placed and timely.
Mar 18, 2022
How can I tell my kids (3.5 and 6 yrs old) that their nanny is leaving and we need to find a new one?
Thank you for submitting your question. I think that it’s important to try to make sense of what has occurred chronologically and to think through the emotions attached to each change. It might be useful to reflect with your partner about how you felt when ‘nanny number one’ had to leave. I detect (though could be wrong) that your family considered this woman to be part of the family and that her loss may have been keenly felt.
Jan 16, 2022
How do I know if my child is doing the right amount of extracurricular activities?
I will be honest. When I read how many activities your 10 year old child participates in per week, I felt tired even thinking about it. According to your email, your daughter spends eight hours at school per day, and for four days of the week attends some sort of lesson pre and post school. On three evenings each week, she gets home at 9pm, and often has to get up at the crack of dawn to complete homework assignments or do verbal reasoning tests. As you are a bilingual family, on Saturday mornings she attends three hours of language school. On Sundays, you all go out to watch an older child play football, where she sits patiently by the sideline (but is often asked to do some sort of homework, either in the car or on a device). 3-5pm on a Saturday afternoon is the only time that she gets to herself, doing what she wants to do.
Oct 13, 2021
How can I help my son to make more friends and feel less left out?
It is always gut-wrenching for parents to hear our children’s disgruntlement and upset about feeling unsettled or not fitting in. First of all, full credit to you for the fact that your son did open up and tell you how he is feeling. The fact that he did so means that he feels able to explain his feelings and expects a supportive and positive response. As you have identified in your email, there is little doubt that, for some children, lockdown has had a negative impact on their social skills. Settling into school life takes time and months of remote learning has contributed to children feeling somewhat set back in their friendships. They have missed out on thousands of interactions with peers, and participation in routine activities was difficult for a prolonged period.